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By Dr James Dobson Have you played the “if only” game? It goes like this: If only my wife was more like Judy. She fixes exotic dinners, keeps a sparkling house and even goes golfing with her husband. Or if only my husband was like Johnny. He is always giving flowers to his wife, takes her dancing and does not slurp on his soup during dinner. What is wrong with comparisons like these? For one thing, the conclusions we draw are based on a distortion. We are equating the obvious flaws and shortcomings of a person we know intimately with the public image of the person we idealise. That individual is imperfect too, though it may not be as apparent across a crowded room. Besides, the comparison game insults our marriage partner and weakens the bond that makes a relationship successful. In other words, everyone loses when we engage in this mind game. We should seek to elevate each other as husband and wife: That’s the best way I know to make marriage go the distance. From TODAY, ...

Image via Wikipedia By Dr James Dobson Divorce may be happening more and more these days, but there’s still something about it that shocks us when we hear that close friends are separating; and we say to ourselves: “I wish there was something I could do.” It’s very easy for us to be so overwhelmed by our friends’ problems that we simply ignore them. We don’t know what to say, so we say nothing, and we leave these lonely people to their private pain. Or else we join the chorus of people who offer simplistic solutions and fail to address the pain. “It never was meant to be,” some may say. Or: “You’ll be better off without him.” And yet, survey after survey confirms the fact that couples in crisis will hint of their pain to friends long before seeking professional help. And when friends do come alongside the troubled couple, sometimes a marriage could be saved. A man can meet with another man for lunch and talk about his marriage, and offer encouragement and support during the ha...

By Dr James Dobson If you really want a “ high-voltage ” marriage that will go the distance, I have a suggestion for you. Which of the following two marriages is likely to enjoy the greatest physical attraction ? Is it the couple who spends every waking hour together and focuses almost exclusively on one another? Or is it the man and woman who have other interests, and then after a time of some independence come closer together again as the pendulum swings? Surprisingly, it is the one that varies from time to time. According to behavioural researchers, the healthiest relationships are the ones that “breathe” – relationships that move from a time of closeness and tenderness to a more distant posture. This ebb and flow sets up another exciting reunion as the cycle continues. This is why it's not always advantageous for a husband and wife to work together or to concentrate exclusively on one another in the absence of friends and colleagues outside the family. There is just some...

By Dr Bill Maier Are there nights when you sit at the dinner table with nothing to say to your spouse? If so, maybe your marriage needs a shot of adrenaline. During the dating years, couples never seem to run out of things to talk about. We all remember the days when we spent hours laughing and sharing and just enjoying being together. Then, wed go home only to call and talk some more. So, what was different back then? In a nutshell, the romance was fun because it was fresh. We had a lot to say because new things were constantly being introduced into the relationship. Theres no reason that should stop when we get married. Its easy to fall into a rut and take each other for granted. But smart couples work at fighting boredom in order to keep their marriage alive. Sometimes thats as easy as taking up a new hobby, or planning a fun weekend away. Dont let your marriage get stale with age. Look for ways to keep it fresh and exciting. From TODAY, Voices - Wednesday, 19-May-20...

Image via Wikipedia By Dr Bill Maier Marriage is a difficult transition for everyone – especially parents. That’s why almost all couples have at least some problems getting along with their in-laws. One friend remembers his wife’s mother taking him aside during their wedding rehearsal and trying to talk him out of the marriage . She assured him that no one would be upset if he just called the whole thing off. He went through with the wedding, and now his mother-in-law accepts him pretty well, but things have never been terribly rosy between them. Adjusting to a new member in the family is tough for even the best of parents. It’s hard to imagine anyone good enough for your son or daughter. That’s why we all need to cut them a little slack. The best way to deal with an overbearing in-law is to accept them and move forward. A lot of patience won’t hurt either. From TODAY, Voices - Friday, 23-April-2010 ----- Related articles by Zemanta The "Trimmed Roots" And ...

Image by Collaborative Law Institute of Texas via Flickr By Dr Bill Maier No one goes through a divorce unscathed – especially the children . All children struggle to understand it when their parents can’t get along, no matter what their age. When parents fight or separate, children naturally blame themselves. They wonder if there’s something they’ve done to cause the problems, or if there’s anything they should have done to fix it. That’s why it’s critical to let kids know that a divorce is not their fault. And that it’s a painful process for everyone. By calling a divorce “amicable”, you’re saying to your child “we could stay together; we just don’t want to.” It’s not only insensitive, it’s misleading. What they need to hear is that you’ve done everything you could do to save the marriage , and that you and your spouse are solely to blame for the breakup. Only then can you begin helping your children heal the pain . From TODAY, Voices - Thursday, 22-April-2010 ----- Relat...

Image via Wikipedia By Dr James Dobson If you drew a circle around a list of your spouse’s interests and another circle around your own, would those circles overlap? The more those circles overlap, the more interests you share with your mate. The better chance you have of your marriage becoming more exciting and enriching as time goes on. This is even more important when you realise more than one-half of your married years will be experienced without children . Did you know that the highest incidence of divorce in America is occurring among 40 to 50 year olds? These couples’ children have moved out, and now find they have nothing in common. They’re alone with each other and are not even properly acquainted. This isolation within the walls of a home can be avoided if you spend more time working together on shared activities and common interests. One husband I know gave up golf because he realised it was taking him away from his family for an average of six hours a week. He a...

By Dr James Dobson When I was in university , I ran a long distance race I will never forget. I did not win it, but I did learn a valuable lesson about myself, and about marriage . Although I had not trained properly, I bounded onto the track full of energy and optimism. At the sound of the starting gun, I tore off as fast as I could and left the pack far behind. By the second lap, however, my side was splitting and the pack was closing in on me. Somewhere near the halfway mark, I was sucking air frantically and my chest was heaving like a great grey whale. I soon collapsed on the infield grass in a sweating heap of failure, losing the race and my pride in one great disaster. Marathons are very different from sprints, and you have to learn to pace yourself if you're going to endure to the finish line. And isn't that true of married life, too? You have to set a pace that you can maintain through all the ups and downs of everyday living, and make up your mind to let nothing kno...

By Dr James Dobson Have you heard the one about the wedding ceremony where the minister said: "Do you take this woman for better or for worse ? For richer or for poorer? In sickness and in health?" And the groom replied: "Yes, no, yes, no, no, yes." Of course we'd all like to sign up for the better parts when we get married and forget all that other stuff but that's not the way marriage works because that's not the way life works. Many young people go into marriage today with one eye on the exit door. They intend to stay together as long as it seems advantageous to do so. But in most of these unfortunate cases, a painful divorce is just a matter of time. Because trouble in life is inevitable and the uncommitted marital relationship can be victimised when hard times inevitably descend upon it. But the good news is that a strong marriage can be a fortress against the stresses of life. The key to a lifelong relationship then, in good times and...

By Dr James Dobson Have you ever played the "if only" game? I've played it, and I'm pretty sure you have too. All it takes is yourself, your spouse and one other person. The game goes like this: If only my wife was more like Judy. She fixes exotic dinners every night. She keeps a sparkling house. She even goes golfing with her husband when he wants her to. Or if only my husband was like Johnny. He's always bringing flowers for his wife, and he takes her dancing. And he doesn't slurp his soup at the dinner table. What's wrong with comparisons like these? For one thing, the conclusions we draw are based on a distortion. We're equating the obvious flaws and shortcomings of a person we know intimately with the public image of the person we idealise. In other words, that individual is imperfect too, though it may not be as apparent across a crowded room. Besides, the comparison game is specifically designed to insult our marriage partner, and weaken th...

Image via Wikipedia By Dr James Dobson Love is a fragile thing . Like a plant , it must be watered and cultivated or it will wither and die. It seems, some newly- married couples have the misguided notion that their love will continue to grow naturally through the years. But the truth is that love must be maintained and protected if it's going to survive. (Love can perish when a husband works seven days a week, or when spouses don't communicate regularly.) The keen edge of a loving relationship may be dulled through the routine pressures of living. As I experienced during the early days of my own marriage when I was working full-time and trying to finish my doctorate . My wife was teaching in school and running our small home. I remember the evening I realised what this busy life was doing to our relationship — we still loved each other, but it had been too long since we'd felt the spirit of warmth and closeness. My books were pushed aside that night and we took long walk...

Image by adwriter via Flickr By Dr James Dobson Since there's conflict in every romantic relationship , learning to fight fair just might be the most important lesson any couple can master. There's a real difference between healthy and unhealthy combat in marriage . And everything depends on the way disagreements are handled. In an unstable marriage, hostility is usually meant to hurt and it's often directed at the soft underbelly of the partner's ego. On the other hand, healthy conflict remains centered on the immediate problem at hand. For example: "It upsets me when you don't tell me you'll be late for dinner." Can you hear the difference? Even though the subject matter might be equally emotionally intense, the focus is on the specific problem in the relationship and not on what you perceive as a basic personality defect of your mate. When couples learn this important distinction, they have the freedom to disagree and work through conflicts with ...

Image via Wikipedia By Dr James Dobson In marriage as in courtship , there's a simple rule of thumb for intimacy : Take your time. Some interesting research has been done recently on the emotional bonding between husbands and wives . According to Dr Donald Joy, a couple bonds most closely when they move slowly and systematically through the various stages of intimacy during their courtship and early marriage. When later stages are reached prematurely, such as when couples kiss passionately on the first date, or have sexual intercourse shortly thereafter, something precious is lost and the bonding is short-circuited. The strongest marriages often occur where couples have walked slowly and deliberately through the progressive stages of physical intimacy , saving sexual consummation for the honeymoon. This concept is important for singles, but it also has something to say for married couples as well. Husbands and wives often make the mistake of rushing their intimacy, or taking it...

By Dr James Dobson One of the great myths about love is that if a couple is genuinely in love, that condition is permanent and will last a lifetime. Love, even genuine love, is a fragile commodity. Like more than one popular song has said, love is like a rose. It must be carefully maintained and protected if it is to survive. Love can easily be overcome by weeds of a busy life. When a husband or wife works seven days a week, when there's no time for romantic activity, when they forget how to talk to each other; then love can die. During the early days of my marriage to my wife, Shirley, I was working full-time, and trying to finish a doctorate at USC . Shirley was teaching and maintaining our home. I realised what this busy lifestyle was doing to our relationship. We still loved each other but it had been too long since we felt the warmth and closeness. I pushed my textbooks aside and we went for a long walk. The following semester I carried a very light load in school and post...

Image via Wikipedia By Dr James Dobson If you want to put some new life in your marriage , try thinking like a teenager again. We all remember, fondly or otherwise, the craziness of our dating days – the coy attitudes, the flirting, the chase after the prize. But as we moved into marriage, most of us felt we should leave the game-playing behind. But we may not have changed as much as we'd like to think. The truth is that our romantic relationships will always bear some characteristics of adolescent sexuality. Grown-ups still love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unattainable, the excitement of the new and the boredom with the old. The immature impulses are controlled and minimised in a committed relationship , but they never fully disappear. And this is the key for keeping life in our marriages. If things seem stale between you and your spouse, maybe you should remember some old tricks, repeating some of the happy moments that brought you together. Maybe it's time for...

By Dr Bill Maier So what does it take to make a strong marriage ? Most people would say "love", and they are partly right. Love is critical to a successful marriage and most people would never get married without it. But young love is often nothing more than infatuation , and that is not enough to keep a couple together. So what about a love that is deep and mature — is that what it takes? Some might say "yes", but even the deepest love will not keep a marriage from being tested. The strongest marriages do not rely on infatuation or even love to keep them strong. They build their relationships on commitment. The difference is that commitment is an act of the will, not an emotion of the heart. It is two people saying to each other, "I know there will be tough times in our marriage and that we will not always feel like being together. But in spite of how we feel, we will commit to doing whatever it takes to make this marriage work". From TODAY, Voices – Thur...