Mi Choza De Nipa: 04/11/2010

Friday, April 16, 2010

Saying 'I'm sorry'

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By Dr James Dobson

Many people have a hard time saying they are sorry to anyone, let alone their children. Although it is difficult to do, apologising when we are wrong provides opportunities to teach valuable lessons to our sons and daughters.

I remember a time when our children were young and I was weighed down by the pressures that made me tired and irritable in the evenings. One night, I was especially grouchy and short-tempered with my 10-year-old daughter.

After going to bed I felt bad about the way I had treated her and I just felt like I needed to apologise to her. I did so before she left for school the next morning. My daughter put her arms around my neck and said it was okay.

Most children are very resilient and eager to reconcile. Asking them for forgiveness shows that you are human, with flaws and imperfections. It also creates an atmosphere wherein conflict and frustration can be resolved.

From TODAY, Voices - Thursday, 15-April-2010
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A night of grief

The famous Droeshout portrait of William Shake...

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By Dr James Dobson

William Shakespeare wrote:
“Grief fills the room of my absent child
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words.”

Let me tell you about my mother. My parents walked a rocky road in the early days of their marriage. But their relationship was soon cemented tight. And from that time until the day my mother died, she loved that man. It is impossible to describe how much she loved him. It was the kind of love for a husband that most men only dream about.

A few years after my father died, my mother went into the hospital. She was experiencing some symptoms. So they ran a barrage of tests, and finally two physicians sat down with her. They said: “Mrs Dobson, your problem is not a physical ailment. It is grief that is killing you, and you must find a way to release it.” But she never did. She couldn’t do it. She simply loved my father too deeply.

Grief for a lost family member is good and necessary. But it’s a process that must be worked through, in order to get to the greener pastures beyond. It would be well to remember the words: “Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning.”

From TODAY, Voices - Wednesday, 14-April-2010
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Raise your child's IQ (2)

Henry Moore sculpture "Large Four Piece R...

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By Dr James Dobson

According to Dr Burton White at Harvard University, there are six factors that contribute to the intellectual capacity of a child, three of which were discussed in yesterday’s column. Now for the rest of the list ...

It was shown that children given free access to the living rooms of their homes progressed much faster than those whose movements were restricted.

Next, the nuclear family is the most important educational delivery system. If we’re going to produce capable, happy children, it will be by strengthening family units and by improving the interactions that occur within them.

Finally, the best parents were those who excelled at three key functions: They were superb designers and organisers of their children’s environments; they permitted their children to interrupt them for brief 30-second episodes during which personal comfort and information were exchanged; and lastly, they were firm disciplinarians, while simultaneously showing great affection for their children.

In other words, it took a 10-year research project to reveal what most mothers have known intuitively for centuries.

From TODAY, Voices - Tuesday, 13-April-2010
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Raise your child's IQ

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By Dr James Dobson

According to a study by Dr Burton White at Harvard University, there are six key factors that contribute to the development of intelligence in children. Here are the first three:

It is increasingly clear that the origins of human competence are found in a critical period of development between eight and 18 months of age. The child’s experiences during these brief months do more to influence future intellectual competence than any time before or after.

The single most important factor in the life of the child is his mother. Says Dr White: “She carries more influence on her child’s experiences than any other circumstance.” Fathers are important too, but nothing compares with a mother’s love and involvement during that critical period.

The amount of live language directed at a child (not to be confused with television, radio, or overheard conversations) is vital to his development of fundamental linguistic, intellectual, and social skills. The researchers concluded: “Providing a rich social life for your child is the best thing you can do to guarantee a good mind.” In other words, talk to your toddlers!

From TODAY, Voices - Monday, 12-April-2010
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Empty nest Dad

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By Dr Bill Maier

We hear a lot about mothers struggling with Empty Nest Syndrome, but often it’s good old dad who takes it the hardest.

All parents have a hard time when kids leave home, but a recent survey showed that many fathers actually take it harder than their wives. Some men go through long periods of depression and anxiety.

Experts believe this is because fathers often have more regrets. They’ve been so busy building a nice home and a successful career that they’ve let the years slip through their fingers.

Suddenly, they look up and it’s too late. Their child is gone, and they never developed the kind of relationship they wanted to have.

If you still have children at home, take the time now to enjoy being with them while they’re young. Use the time you have to invest in their lives, and get to know them while you have a chance.

From TODAY, Voices - Friday, 09-April-2010
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Preparing for puberty

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By Dr Bill Maier

Is your child prepared for the changes of puberty? If so, are you? All children are different and reach puberty at different ages. Boys normally reach it at around the age of 14 and girls at about 12.

That’s why parents need to start talking to their children about the changes they can expect from puberty long before it arrives. Kids are usually more open to discussing it before the changes have begun. If we wait until it’s too late, they may feel more uncomfortable.

It’s also important to be clear and specific about what changes they can expect. Don’t assume they already know. What they’ve learned from friends and other sources may not be the full story. And while you’re discussing it, don’t forget to explain your values regarding purity and why these values are important to you. They’ll be more likely to follow your principles if you state them clearly, and then model them.

From TODAY, Voices - Thursday, 08-April-2010
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Training Dads

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By Dr Bill Maier

What would happen if you started a new career with no training? You’d probably have a hard time doing your job. In the same way, you can’t expect a new father to naturally know how to raise a family without a little training.

Most of us get that training by watching our own fathers, seeing how they react to certain situations, and taking notes as they care for their children.

But what happens to a boy who grows up without a father? How does he know what to do? In many cases, he doesn’t.

I recently received a tragic letter from a young man in that very situation. He grew up fatherless, and now found himself unequipped to deal with his kids.

The best thing a new father can do in this situation is to find a mentor who can give advice and encouragement when problems arise. Every job takes a little training — especially fatherhood.

From TODAY, Voices - Wednesday, 07-April-2010
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Anxiety or disorder?

Figure 20 from Charles Darwin's The Expression...

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By Dr Bill Maier

We all struggle with fear from time to time. But when does fear go past anxiety to become a full-fledged disorder?

It’s normal to get butterflies in your stomach before giving a big speech, or meeting a blind date. Anxiety is a natural response to stress. It actually prepares the body for threatening situations, and can be a healthy thing. But sometimes fear can lead to phobias or attacks.

So, when does natural fear qualify as a disorder? In short, it’s when normal anxiety does the opposite of what it was designed to do. Instead of helping us cope, it actually prevents us from coping, dramatically disrupting our daily lives. They’re the result of a biological illness, usually caused by past experiences. Often it takes professional help to overcome them. If you sense you might have a problem, talk to your doctor about it.

From TODAY, Voices - Tuesday, 06-April-2010
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An organised toddler

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by Dr Bill Maier

You say your toddler’s room is bursting with toys, shoes and books? I’d say it’s time for a crash course in organisation!

Teach your children how to organise while they’re still young, and you’ll be developing a skill that will stay with them well into adulthood.

Here are a few key guidelines:

Make sure they have the tools they need, like a box for toys, a bookshelf, and a place to keep their clothes and other items.
Spend a day helping them get everything set up the way they like it. It’s better to let them choose how they want to organise, as long as it’s neat and tidy. Once this is done, praise them for their efforts and encourage them to work hard at keeping it that way.
Check up on their efforts daily. If they have trouble staying organised, you may need to help them more often. Be patient but firm.

From TODAY, Voices - Monday, 05-April-2010
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Cost of being a parent

Children in a Primary Education School in Paris

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By Dr James Dobson

Considering how expensive and difficult it is to be a good parent, many people wonder these days why anyone would want to even have children.

I’m reminded of a woman whom I met a few years ago. Her hair was a mess and the black circles under her eyes revealed a state of utter exhaustion.

As she stumbled past me with seven youngsters, I asked: “Do all those children belong to you? Or is this some kind of picnic?” She replied: “They’re all mine and believe me it’s no picnic”.

The woman is right. Parenthood is an assignment that demands everything we can give it. And to do the job right requires some sacrifice and maybe even a few tears. And yet nothing worth having comes cheap. Speaking as a father, there’s never been a greater moment in my life than when I gazed into the eyes of my newborn daughter and son. What could be more exciting than seeing those tiny human beings begin to blossom, grow and learn?

And what reward can be more meaningful than having my little boy or girl hug my neck and whisper “I love you, Daddy”? Yes, children are expensive, but they’re certainly worth what they cost us.

From TODAY, Voices - Friday, 02-April-2010
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Hold them close and let them go

Two adolescent couples at the 2009 Western Ida...

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by Dr James Dobson

One of the most difficult responsibilities parents face is the task of letting go.

When children are young, parents should be deeply involved in their lives, providing love and protection and authority. But when those boys and girls grow up and reach their late teens and early twenties, the door must be fully opened to the world outside.

Teenagers are more likely to make the proper choices when they aren’t forced to rebel in order to gain their freedom. The simple truth is that love demands freedom.

But, the key point is that a sudden release of parental guidance and direction at the end of childhood carries dangerous implications for the adolescent. Grant independence little by little, as our kids are able to handle the new responsibility. The final release should represent a small step toward freedom, rather than a tumble off the cliff into anarchy.

We need to cut loose the strings of authority over a period of about eighteen years, so that when our children are beyond the reach of our leadership, they no longer need it.

From TODAY, Voices - Thursday, 01-April-2010
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Thursday, April 15, 2010

Teaching failure to children

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By Dr James Dobson

One of the best ways to show your children how to succeed may just be to teach them how to fail.

It’s not news to anyone that youngsters mimic the behaviour of their parents. And since parents are being watched, they obviously need to be careful about what their children see. This is especially true when it comes to handling failure and disappointment. Do we set ourselves up as models of perfection that never fall short of our goals? Or are we able to say to our kids: “I’m sorry — I really blew it this time.”

If we miss out on something that we really wanted — say, a new job — do we mask our feelings by offering phony excuses, or do we simply say: “Apparently the bosses thought Mr Lim would be better suited for the job.” Our children must see that Mum and Dad can admit their failure and their shortcomings, and that the world won’t end because they did.

Some of the greatest times of growth between parents and children can occur when youngsters see Mum and Dad not get what they’re going after, and still feel all right about themselves and each other. It tells them that winning isn’t always normal or possible, and that even when you fail, life goes on.

Teaching our kids to win and succeed is a noble thing. But teaching them to handle frustration and failure may be just as important.

From TODAY, Voices - Wednesday, 31-March-2010
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Helping a prickly person

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By Dr James Dobson

When you want to offer advice to a person about a flaw or a shortcoming in his or her character, it’s best to do it the way porcupines make love: Very, very carefully.

It’s often difficult to open the eyes of friends or relatives to their own blind spots. It’s even more risky to discuss a mistake in the way parenting responsibilities are being handled. You’re liable to get your ears pinned back, even when your motives are honourable and you have the other person’s interest at heart.

Let me offer a suggestion that may be helpful in handling this delicate assignment. The right to criticise must be earned, even if the advice is constructive and desperately needed. Before you’re entitled to meddle with another person’s self-esteem, you must first demonstrate your respect for him as a person. You have to invest some time and effort in his life in an atmosphere of love and kindness, and human warmth.

When a relationship of confidence has been carefully constructed, you’ll have then earned the right to discuss a potentially threatening topic. Once motives have been clarified, you can then feed your suggestions and criticism in very small doses. But as you do it, it’s wise to keep one other thing in mind: someone, somewhere, would like to straighten out a few of your flaws too.

From TODAY, Voices - Tuesday, 30-March-2010
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Talking about self-esteem

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By Dr James Dobson

If self-esteem is something we value for our sons and daughters, maybe it would be helpful to assist them in achieving it.

It seems like every teenager has to come along today and bump his head on the same ol’ rock, experiencing those terrible feelings of inferiority and inadequacy.

To help kids minimise that experience, I’ve found it beneficial to talk to them about confidence long before adolescence has arrived. For example, when a young child meets another who’s too shy to speak or even look at him, you might say afterwards, “Did you notice that Jimmy didn’t look at anyone when he spoke? Why do you suppose he seemed so embarrassed when he was talking to us? Do you think he doesn’t have much confidence in himself?” And as the primary school years unfold, you can talk openly about feelings of low self-worth, and how they translate into action.

When we train our children in this way — to see others in a truer light, while preserving their own dignity and sense of worth — we’re laying a foundation for their own self-confidence during the inevitable storms of adolescence.

From TODAY, Voices - Monday, 29-March-2010
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Wednesday, April 14, 2010

The Courtesy Game

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By Dr Bill Maier

Here’s a great game you can play with your spouse!

It’s called: “Let’s see who can be the most courteous.”

It’s an easy game to learn, and you only need two players — preferably a husband and wife.

And all it takes to play is a little love and a lot of imagination.

The object is to see who can outdo the other player with kindness.

At every opportunity, do something that your opponent would never expect, like leaving little love notes around the house, or in their pockets.

The way to really win is by racking up little points throughout the day.

Compliment your mate every chance you get, and look for ways to make them feel special.

Trust me, it’s a great game.

And the longer you play, the better you get at it.

The best part is everyone wins!

From TODAY, Voices - Friday, 26-March-2010
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Kids and grief

A family mourns during a funeral at the Lion's...

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By Dr Bill Maier

It’s hard to watch your kids go through tough times, but struggle is an important part of growing up.

We’re all tempted to shelter our kids from grief and heartache, but life isn’t always easy, so they need to learn how to deal honestly with emotions — both good and bad.

When sad times come, don’t make the mistake of trying to shield kids from the pain.

And don’t distract them from their feelings by pretending nothing is wrong, or by bribing them into being happy. Sometimes they need to grieve; because that’s the only way they will learn to process their emotions properly.

Kids need to learn that there’s a right and a wrong way to be sad.

Grief is painful, but it’s not an excuse to get angry, or to lash out at others.

It’s something everyone has to go through, and good times are always just around the corner.

From TODAY, Voices - Thursday, 25-March-2010
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Always a Parent

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By Dr Bill Maier

At the age of 19, many children head off to university, and parents tend to think their job is done.

But just because your kids are older doesn’t mean they don’t need a parent anymore.

You’ll always be mum and dad — it’s just your role that has changed.

For 19 years you’ve disciplined and directed your kids, but now it’s time to become their adviser and friend.

Trying to control them after they’re grown will only push them away. But all children need comfort, advice and encouragement — even if they are grown up.

Give your kids the freedom to become their own people.

It takes a lot of restraint to allow your children to make their own decisions, but it’s the only way that they’ll learn true independence.

Be their friend, and be there when they need you, but beyond that, learn to let go.

From TODAY, Voices - Wednesday, 24-March-2010
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Friday, April 16, 2010

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Thursday, April 15, 2010

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