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By Dr James Dobson We’ve all heard of corporate ladder climbers who’ve earned the label “upwardly mobile”. But I bet you haven’t heard of many people being downwardly mobile. At least not by choice. I know of two physicians who limit their practice hours to allow more time for their young children . They actually chose the opposite course of most career-minded individuals: Down-scaling their jobs, passing up career opportunities and taking a cut in pay. As one of these doctors explained: “I saw many people on their death bed and I never heard one of them say he wished he’d spent more time at the office.” Now I realise most families could not afford to slash their work hours. After all, these doctors admit it’s their higher income that allows such flexibility. Still, I like the idea of making a decision to arrange your schedule and lifestyle to give your kids your best hours, not just the leftovers. It’s a good idea not to add any new activity unless something equally engaging ...

Image by Collaborative Law Institute of Texas via Flickr By Dr Bill Maier Watching your child go through a divorce can often feel worse than getting one yourself. Any parent who has had to help a child suffer through a divorce knows how devastating it can be for everyone involved. It’s easy to point fingers and pass judgment, but that’s not what your child needs most. During these times, the best you can do is to first make sure your own emotions are in check. Then, carefully choose your words and actions. Your job is to help diffuse anger and frustration, and to bring a healthy perspective. Blaming only causes more resentment, when forgiveness is the only road to true healing. Sometimes, young children are involved, and someone needs to be there for them, helping them navigate the feelings of pain and resentment they may be experiencing. A clear head and a helping hand is what people most need during tough times. And you may be the only one who can offer that. From TOD...

Image by Jeffry B via Flickr By Dr Bill Maier It’s always tough to hear that someone’s getting a divorce . But what about when that “someone” is your child? There’s nothing quite as devastating as a divorce in the family and when your own child is involved the pain and shock can feel unbearable. You want to protect them but you don’t know how. The best you can do is to simply be there for them — physically and emotionally. Your first step should be to discern whether there’s any chance of reconciliation. You might even encourage them to postpone the divorce until they’ve had a chance to go through marital counselling. But keep in mind that the decision isn’t yours to make. If they decide to go through with the divorce, give your unconditional support and stay with them. Be ready with advice and counsel but only when asked. Above all, don’t pass judgment — on your child or their spouse. What they need is support, not more guilt. From TODAY, Voices - Thursday, 06-May-2010...

Image by Collaborative Law Institute of Texas via Flickr By Dr Bill Maier No one goes through a divorce unscathed – especially the children . All children struggle to understand it when their parents can’t get along, no matter what their age. When parents fight or separate, children naturally blame themselves. They wonder if there’s something they’ve done to cause the problems, or if there’s anything they should have done to fix it. That’s why it’s critical to let kids know that a divorce is not their fault. And that it’s a painful process for everyone. By calling a divorce “amicable”, you’re saying to your child “we could stay together; we just don’t want to.” It’s not only insensitive, it’s misleading. What they need to hear is that you’ve done everything you could do to save the marriage , and that you and your spouse are solely to blame for the breakup. Only then can you begin helping your children heal the pain . From TODAY, Voices - Thursday, 22-April-2010 ----- Relat...

Image via Wikipedia By Dr James Dobson If you drew a circle around a list of your spouse’s interests and another circle around your own, would those circles overlap? The more those circles overlap, the more interests you share with your mate. The better chance you have of your marriage becoming more exciting and enriching as time goes on. This is even more important when you realise more than one-half of your married years will be experienced without children . Did you know that the highest incidence of divorce in America is occurring among 40 to 50 year olds? These couples’ children have moved out, and now find they have nothing in common. They’re alone with each other and are not even properly acquainted. This isolation within the walls of a home can be avoided if you spend more time working together on shared activities and common interests. One husband I know gave up golf because he realised it was taking him away from his family for an average of six hours a week. He a...

Image by The Library of Congress via Flickr By Dr James Dobson We talked last time about the life-long consequences of divorce on children , but what about parent-child separation that occurs for reasons other than divorce? Recent research confirms that the consequences of any parent-child separation are severe. In one study of fathers whose jobs required them to be away from their families for long periods of time, the children tended to experience numerous specific reactions, including anger, rejection, depression , low self-esteem , and inevitably a decline in school performance. I think I understand at least in small measure, the pain of that separation. In fact I experienced it for a short time when I was six years old. My mother and father left me with my aunt for six months while they traveled. Even today I can remember vividly the evening they left. I sat on my mother's lap while she told me how much she loved me and how she and my father would come back for me as so...

Image via Wikipedia By Dr James Dobson Divorce carries lifelong negative implications for children . Anything that interferes with the vital relationship with either parent can have lasting consequences for the child. For example, one landmark study revealed that 90 per cent of children from divorced homes suffered from an acute sense of shock when the separation occurred, including profound grieving and irrational fears. Some 50 per cent reported feeling rejected and abandoned, and half of the fathers never came to see their children three years after the divorce . One-third feared abandonment by the remaining parent, and 66 per cent experienced yearning for the absent parent, with an intensity that researchers described as overwhelming. Most significantly, 37 per cent of the children were even more unhappy and dissatisfied five years after the divorce than they had been after 18 months. It is certainly what I think about with righteous indignation when I see infidelity and marital ...

By Dr James Dobson Have you heard the one about the wedding ceremony where the minister said: "Do you take this woman for better or for worse ? For richer or for poorer? In sickness and in health?" And the groom replied: "Yes, no, yes, no, no, yes." Of course we'd all like to sign up for the better parts when we get married and forget all that other stuff but that's not the way marriage works because that's not the way life works. Many young people go into marriage today with one eye on the exit door. They intend to stay together as long as it seems advantageous to do so. But in most of these unfortunate cases, a painful divorce is just a matter of time. Because trouble in life is inevitable and the uncommitted marital relationship can be victimised when hard times inevitably descend upon it. But the good news is that a strong marriage can be a fortress against the stresses of life. The key to a lifelong relationship then, in good times and...

By Dr James Dobson Have you ever played the "if only" game? I've played it, and I'm pretty sure you have too. All it takes is yourself, your spouse and one other person. The game goes like this: If only my wife was more like Judy. She fixes exotic dinners every night. She keeps a sparkling house. She even goes golfing with her husband when he wants her to. Or if only my husband was like Johnny. He's always bringing flowers for his wife, and he takes her dancing. And he doesn't slurp his soup at the dinner table. What's wrong with comparisons like these? For one thing, the conclusions we draw are based on a distortion. We're equating the obvious flaws and shortcomings of a person we know intimately with the public image of the person we idealise. In other words, that individual is imperfect too, though it may not be as apparent across a crowded room. Besides, the comparison game is specifically designed to insult our marriage partner, and weaken th...

The term “ blended family ” may sound pleasant, but in reality, blending is not as easy as you might think! With today’s high divorce rate , stepfamilies are more common than ever. And that means more parents are raising stepchildren. Making a marriage work can be hard for any couple, but when you throw in the added pressure of step-parenting, it can often turn into a nightmare for everybody. In these situations, couples need to work through their roles and plan beforehand how decisions will be made regarding the children. The stepparent and biological parent should not function in a vacuum ; isolated from each other. A unified front is critical to raising healthy, happy children. For discipline to work, children need to understand that both their parent and their stepparent set the rules — and both have the authority to carry them out. Problems come when couples allow the kids to pit them against each other. From TODAY, Voices – Wednesday, 06-May-2009   ...

From TODAY, World Friday, 30-January-2009 Husband and wife divorced, and with the ensuing battle of custody over their 3 children, the father became psychologically unstable, then...