You Can Manage High-Maintenance Relationships

YOU CAN MANAGE HIGH-MAINTENANCE RELATIONSHIPS

 

Difficult people -- the ones who fray your nerves and drain your energy –

can be found anywhere. If you have high-maintenance relationships

with people in your family or neighborhood, at work or at school, you

don’t have to despair. There is a better plan for dealing with such

relationships than simply trying to avoid difficult people.

 

Here are some ways you can cope with -- and even improve –

high-maintenance relationships:

 

*  Rather than focusing on trying to change other

   people, decide to change your own behavior

   around them. Commit to building better

   relationships with them by changing the

   dynamics of how you interact with them.

 

*  Realize that all people are valuable and

   loveable in God’s eyes, even with all their

   faults, and that He wants you to live at

   peace with everyone as much as possible.

   Consider the grace God has extended toward

   you, and try to extend grace to others you

   encounter.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Critics” (people who

   constantly complain and boss others around),

   try setting boundaries with them, scheduling

   limited, specific times to hear complaints

   and advice and telling them honestly when

   they have offended you and that you won’t

   accept criticism that’s not constructive.

   Surround yourself with people who encourage

   you, and don’t allow criticism to snuff out

   the fire of your dreams.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Martyrs” (people who

   always play the role of a victim), try using

   humor when you’re with them, since laughter

   is likely to foster a healthier perspective

   on life. Don’t try to give them advice;

   that’s futile. Instead, try to help them

   pinpoint the underlying issues behind their

   problems, to raise their awareness and spur

   them to do something about solving them.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Wet Blankets” (constantly

   pessimistic people), try to objectively observe

   their negativity without becoming infected by it

   yourself. Monitor the messages you give yourself

   internally, and proactively replace pessimistic

   ones with realistic ones that reflect the hope

   you have in Christ. Have positive comebacks when

   conversing with Wet Blankets, and try using humor

   with them, too.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Steamrollers” (people who

   are insensitive to others), avoid confronting them

   to engage in a power struggle. When you can,

   acknowledge and affirm their ideas so they know

   you’re listening to them. But refuse to let them

   bully you, and let them know what specific needs

   you have when interacting with them so they’re

   aware of what’s important to you.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Gossips” (people who spread

   secrets and rumors), try protesting the next time

   they start gossiping. If you don’t speak up, you’re

   giving them your tacit approval. At the very least,

   you can walk away so you don’t have to listen. Or,

   contribute some positive comments about the person

   who is being gossiped about. If you’re the victim of

   gossip, quickly confront those who are responsible.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Control Freaks” (people who

   want to wield control over every situation), try

   explaining to them how their behavior makes you

   feel. Give them as much information as you can

   about a particular situation so they’ll have less

   to worry about, and work in advance to negotiate

   your respective roles in ongoing situations (such

   as assigning household chores rather than fighting

   over them each time they need to be done). Help

   them feel better about who they are as people,

   rather than just what they do.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Backstabbers” (deceptive

   people), avoid sharing your deepest thoughts with

   them. Once you’re sure that people have acted in

   a two-faced manner, confront and expose them.

   Build a support network comprised of people you

   trust and who trust you. Don’t try to take revenge

   on Backstabbers; trust God to deal appropriately

   with them.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Cold Shoulders” (people

   who avoid meaningful contact with others), try

   exploring whether any recent changes in your

   relationships with them might have contributed

   to their decision to disengage. Talk with them

   openly about the problem. Realize that a cold

   shoulder reaction doesn’t necessarily mean

   rejection; there are many possible underlying

   reasons for it. If Cold Shoulders don’t respond

   to your efforts to heal relationships with them,

   grieve the losses and move on.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Green-Eyed Monsters”

   (people who seethe with envy), try praying for

   them. Don’t take their attacks personally. Don’t

   hide the hard work you do that contributes to your

   success, and when you see Green-Eyed Monsters

   succeeding, compliment them on their own efforts.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Volcanoes” (people who

   frequently erupt in anger), try guarding yourself

   from their wrath by refusing to be a scapegoat

   and clarifying the reasons behind all conflict.

   Although it’s tempting to respond with anger

   yourself, resist doing so. Leave the situations

   in God’s hands, and pray for the grace to be a

   peacemaker.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Sponges” (people who

   constantly take but never give back), try making

   a list of your own needs and desires to help you

   see how important they are. Don’t allow Sponges

   to obstruct what you need and want, and deflate

   each situation they present to you as a crisis by

   showing them that it’s actually quite manageable.

   Pray for discernment about how you can be genuinely

   helpful to them, and limit your help to those ways

   you believe to be most effective. Say no without

   feeling guilty.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Competitors” (people who

   keep score in every situation), try simply refusing

   to play their games by saying that you just want

   to make conversation and don’t care how you compare

   to them. Share interests in non-competitive ways

   to emphasize mutual enjoyment rather than a “win-

   lose” scenario.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Workhorses” (people who

   never seem to be satisfied), try communicating

   your limits to them. Realize that you’re human,

   and humans are imperfect. Give yourself permission

   to have fun sometimes, even if others don’t. Let

   them see you pursue your dreams, and listen to

   them share theirs to help them understand why

   they’re pushing themselves so hard.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Flirts” (people who

   communicate with innuendoes), don’t blame

   yourself, because flirting is most often the

   result of Flirts’ own insecurities. Don’t allow

   yourself to be cornered by Flirts, and always

   have a comeback ready to fight them off. Let

   them see you be openly affectionate with your

   spouse, or hear you talk lovingly about him or

   her if your spouse isn’t present.

 

*  If you’re dealing with “Chameleons” (people

   who are so eager to please that they lack

   integrity), try clarifying the commitments

   they make by asking them to honestly reassess

   what they think they can do. Affirm the deci-

   sions they make to boost their confidence in

   making their own decisions.

 

-- By Whitney Hopler, Live It channel

   Dr. Les Parrott III is a professor of psychology and    co-director

   with his wife, Dr. Leslie Parrott, of the Center for Relationship

   Development at Seattle Pacific University. He is a fellow in

   medical psychology at the University of Washington School of

   Medicine, and an ordained minister in the Church of the Nazarene.

 

   Adapted from High-Maintenance Relationships: How to Handle

   Impossible People, copyright 1996 by Les Parrott III. Published by

   Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Ill., www.tyndale.com,

   1-800-323-9400.

The Old Man and the Pastor

A great one, take your time to read it. It's worth it!!!

 

The Old Man and the Pastor

 

After a few of the usual Sunday evening hymns, the Church's pastor

slowly stood up, walked over to the pulpit, and before he gave his

sermon for the evening, briefly introduced a guest Minister who was

in the service that evening. In the introduction, the Pastor told

the congregation that the guest Minister was one of his dearest

childhood friends and that he wanted him to have a few moments

to greet the church and share whatever he felt would be appropriate

for the service. With that the elderly man stepped up to the pulpit

and began to speak.

 

“A father, his son and a friend of his son were sailing off the

Pacific Coast,” he began, “when a fast approaching storm

blocked any attempt to get back to the shore. The waves were

so high, that even though the father was an experienced sailor,

he could not keep the boat upright and the three were swept

into the ocean as the boat capsized.”

 

The old man hesitated for a moment, making eye contact with

two teenagers who were, for the first time since the service began,

looking somewhat interested in his story. The aged Minister

continued with his story.

 

“Grabbing a rescue line, the father had to make the most

excruciating decision of his life: to which boy would he throw

the other end of the lifeline. He only had seconds to make the decision.

The father knew that his son was a Christian -- he also knew that

his son's friend was not. The agony of his decision could not be matched

by the torrent of waves. As the father yelled out ‘I love you, son!’

he threw out the lifeline to his son's friend.”

 

“By the time the father had pulled the friend back to the capsized boat,

his son had disappeared beneath raging wells into the black of night.

His body was never recovered.”

 

By this time, the two teenagers were sitting straight up in their pew,

anxiously waiting for the next words to come out of the old Minister's

mouth. “The father,” he continued, “knew that his son would step into

eternity with Jesus, and he could not bear the thought of his son's friend

stepping into an eternity without Jesus. Therefore, he sacrificed his son to

save his son's friend. How great is the love of God that He should do the

same for us. Our Heavenly Father sacrificed His only begotten Son that we

could be saved. I urge you to accept His offer to rescue you, and take hold

of the lifeline He is throwing out to you in this service.”

 

With that, the old man turned and sat back down in his chair as silence

filled the room. The Pastor again walked slowly to the pulpit and delivered

a brief sermon with an invitation at the end. However, no one responded

to the appeal.

 

Within minutes after the service ended, the two teenagers were

at the old man's side. “That was a nice story,” politely stated one

of the boys, “but I don't think it was very realistic for a father to give up

his only son's life in the hope that the other boy would become a Christian.”

 

“Well, you've got a point there,” the old man replied glancing down

at his worn Bible. A big smile broadened his narrow face. Looking up

at the boys he said: “it sure isn't very realistic, is it? But I'm standing here

today to tell you that story gives me a glimpse of what it must have been like

for God to give up His Son for me. You see, I was that father and your Pastor

is my son's friend.”

On Taking TimeOut From Work

From bTW, my Paper, 29 Feb 2008 edition

By Anisa Hassan

 

Learning how to say ‘no’

 

Too often, small business owners – particularly women entrepreneurs –

think their enterprise won’t progress to the next level unless they’re

always around to steer the wheel. As a result, they don’t build in

any alternatives for taking time away from work. This is especially true

when everything is running smoothly. Monthly end reports –

spectacular though the results may be – still need to be reconciled,

quick decisions have to be made and no time is to be wasted

on savouring the moment of success. The only pondering to be done

would be to find an answer to that perennial question,

“What next is there for me to do?”

 

But without time to recharge, both business and owner could

potentially suffer in the long term. Taking on more than what

we can manage is a recipe for ongoing stress and burnout. This,

in turn, could lead to loss of stamina and business tunnel vision.

Remember, it’s not about how fast you grow, but how big

and how long you stick around to leave a legacy.

 

I’ve learnt the hard way myself that the best lesson for me as an

entrepreneur is, perhaps ironically, learning how to say “No”

to some of the demands of my work. If you’re prepared for

a change and a systematic overhaul, here are four tips

to allow you to love relaxation as much as you love your work:

 

1. Say ‘No’.

Management author Dan Coughlin said: “When my plate is full,

I’m not effective.” You give yourself the illusion there’s so much

to do within 24 hours. Learning to say ‘No’ to less important tasks

frees you up to do more strategic thinking on how best to grow

your business.

 

2. Create a solid system.

Think ahead and start building support structures and networks

before you even actually need one putting yourself at the top

of your priority list may not seem selfish after all.

 

3. Take mini breaks.

Business owners on the fast track lose sight of time very quickly.

Carve out a one-hour break daily to hit the gym or have

an uninterrupted “me” time. Dedicate that hour to yourself

just to clear the clutter in your mind.

 

4. Ask for help.

You are so used to doing so many things for so many people. It is time

for you to reach out to your staff, partners, business associates

and family members who have become accustomed to you

running the show.

 

For once, stop. Ask for support. For example, when my staff offer

to help me get lunch, I welcome the kind gesture and let them

surprise me (pleasurably!) with whichever dish they choose.

 

After all, what I have for lunch every day is definitely something

I don’t want to micro-manage.

Quick Inspiration for the Day

Quick Inspiration for the Day

 

The more you give, the more you get.

The more you do unselfishly The more you live abundantly.

The more of everything you share, The more you laugh, the less you fret.

The more you’ll always have to spare.

The more you love, the more you’ll find that life is good and friends are kind.

For only what we give away, enriches us from day to day.

 

II Cor 9:6-7

“Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly,

and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. Each man

should give what he has decided in his heart to, not reluctantly

or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”

GOD'S WILL

GOD’S WILL

 

What does God want for your life? Sometimes it’s clear; sometimes not.

The better you know God, the better you can discover His will.

 

Here are some principles to guide you as you seek God’s will for both

large and small decisions:

 

Know that God cares about all your decisions and wants the best for you.

But He is more concerned about the kind of person you become than He is

about any particular decision you might make. So seek His presence

rather than just His plan for your life, because the most important part

of His plan for you is to have a close relationship with Him.

 

In the Bible, God has revealed His general will for all His children.

His specific will for you as an individual will never contradict

the principles He mentions in Scripture. But to discover God’s specific will

for your decisions, you need to consult Him with the understanding

that God is willing to guide you, you’re capable of receiving His guidance,

you must want to hear what God is saying, you must demonstrate

your sincerity by doing what God has already asked you to do

and you must be open to acting upon whatever new guidance

God gives you.

 

When facing a decision, use at least these five ways to consider

how God wants you to act: Bible reading, prayer, advice from

mature Christians, an assessment of your circumstances and

a sense of inner peace. It’s best to consider a decision in light of all

these elements to be sure of God’s leading. Don’t act just on the basis

of just one or a few of these elements unless you are in a crisis situation

that must be handled quickly.

 

Remember that seeking God’s will is a process and that you need

to be patient through it. God will act in His way and in His time.

Often, God will reveal only enough for you to take the next step

He wants you to take rather than showing you a long-range plan.

That’s because He would rather be your guide - walking beside you

and asking you to trust Him during your journey - than simply

hand you a map for you to use alone.

 

Don’t routinely look for supernatural signs from God to show you

what He wants you to do. Know that most of the time, God works

through the natural world that He has created, using ordinary means

to speak to you. Sometimes He will use “signs and wonders,” but only

when He deems them necessary.

 

Think through every aspect of your decisions thoroughly, asking questions

such as whether they will likely honor God and help you grow spiritually.

Know that it’s normal to have doubts, so don’t feel guilty about having them.

Instead, use them to help you investigate each facet of your decisions.

 

Invite the Holy Spirit to speak to you about each decision about which

you’re seeking God’s will. Also ask the Holy Spirit to renew your mind,

so that you begin to think more like Christ.

 

Once you’ve discovered God’s will for a particular decision, be courageous.

Act on it quickly, and don’t second-guess yourself afterward. Know that

if you’ve made an honest mistake, God can always transform your situation

to accomplish His purposes.

 

 

By Whitney Hopler, Live It channel

 

Gordon Jackson is the Associate Dean for Academic Affairs at Whitworth College

in Spokane, Washington, where he has taught journalism since 1983.

 

Adapted from A Compact Guide to Discovering God’s Will, copyright 2001

by Gordon Jackson. Published by NavPress, www.navpress.com, 1-800-366-7788.

DENIAL

SINS OF THE SAINTS

 

“You [God] deserve honesty from the heart; yes utter sincerity

and truthfulness. Oh, give me this wisdom.” (Psalm 51:6, TLB)

 

A doctor friend of mine had a patient who was of a religious persuasion

where the leaders taught (and the members believed) that one

was never sick.

 

This patient had broken her arm rather badly and her husband

and son had to literally drag her to the doctor’s office. Both had to

hold her down while the doctor set her arm and put it in a plaster cast

while all the while she protested, “There’s nothing wrong with my arm!

There’s nothing wrong with my arm!”

 

Six weeks later when she was brought back to the doctor to have

the cast removed, her arm had healed very well so the lady declared,

“I told you so. There was nothing wrong with my arm!”

 

While we may laugh at this family’s predicament, self-deception

and denial are very common faults that most of us are guilty of

at some time. In fact, I believe that denial is possibly one of the

most common sins of the saints! It is also very destructive in that

when we are in denial, we place ourselves outside of God’s

or anybody else’s help.

 

One of the many dangers of denial is that it causes one to deny that

he/she is in denial. But when in denial, neither personal problems

or relational conflicts can ever be resolved. Only as we admit who we are

and what we have done can we ever find resolution for our problems,

healing for hurts, and genuine personal and spiritual growth.

 

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please deliver me from the sin of denial.

Help me always to be honest with myself, with my loved ones,

and above all to be honest with you. Make me real, authentic and

a man/woman of truth. Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

LANDMINES

DEFUSING LANDMINES

 

“So get rid of [defuse] your feelings of hatred Don’t just pretend

to be good!” (1 Peter 2:1, TLB)

 

According to Run Hutchcraft in “A Word With You,” it was one of

the causes Princess Diana was most passionate about. A little-known

organization that addresses this issue won the Nobel Peace Prize.

It’s not an issue we think much about, but it’s one that costs

countless lives every year -- land mines.

 

They are the deadly leftovers of old battles, and many innocent people

are injured or killed by them. A land mine is, of course, not where you

can see it coming. It’s buried. You’re just walking along and suddenly

the ground beneath you explodes, maiming or destroying an innocent

person.

 

While most of us will never (and hopefully never will) be in places

where land mines still exist, many of us constantly walk among

emotional-mines every day in our relationships. And many of us

still have within us “emotional landmines” from old battles,

“landmines” that have never been defused. Consequently,

the slightest offense or hurt can trigger great explosions

and harm or even destroy relationships.

 

These “emotional landmines” are unresolved and pent up feelings

of hurt, anger and hostility. And unless we do as the Bible says –

get rid of these negative feelings -- we are emotional landmines

waiting to be triggered.

 

Burying and repressing supercharged negative emotions

doesn’t get rid of them. That’s what turns them into landmines.

For more help see “Taming Your Anger.”

 

Suggested prayer: “Dear God, please help me to face and resolve

all supercharged, repressed negative emotions I may have

and get rid of them so that I will not lash out and hurt others

when things happen that could trigger these emotional landmines.

Gratefully in Jesus’ name. Amen.”