Raising Teens: Save Your Energy for Crucial Confrontations

From FOCUS ON THE FAMILY, Today, 01-May-2008 edition

 

Raising Teens: Save Your Energy

For Crucial Confrontations

By Dr James Dobson

 

One of the most delicate aspects of raising a teenager

is figuring out what’s worth a showdown and what isn’t.

 

I remember talking to a waitress, a single mother, in a restaurant

a few years ago. When she found out I was a psychologist,

she began telling me about her 12-year-old daughter.

“We’ve fought tooth and nail for an entire year,” she said.

“It’s been awful! We go at it every night – usually over

the same issue.” “What’s that?” I asked. “Well, she’s still

a little girl, but she wants to shave her legs. And I feel

she’s too young, but she gets so angry, she won’t even talk

to me.”

 

I looked her in the eye and said, “Go buy your daughter

a shaver.” That 12-yearold girl was paddling into a time of life

that would rock her river good and hard.

 

As a single parent, her mother would soon be trying to keep

this rebellious teenager from getting into drugs, alcohol, sex

and pregnancy. Truly, there would be many ravenous alligators

in her river within a year or two. In that setting, it seemed unwise

to make a big deal over what was essentially a non-issue.

 

I’ve seen other parents fight similar battles over what were really

inconsequential issues. I urge you not to damage your friendship

with your children over behaviour that has no great moral significance.

There will be plenty of real issues that require you to stand like a rock.

Save your energy for those crucial confrontations.

Teens and Peer Pressure

From FOCUS ON THE FAMILY, Today, 01-May-2008 edition

 

Teens and Peer Pressure

By Dr James Dobson

 

I once watched a documentary showing how Indian elephants

are trained to serve their human masters, and I was struck

by the similarity between these beautiful creatures and our

fragile teenagers.

 

Shortly after an elephant has been captured, it begins its

training process with three days of total isolation. At the peak

of the elephants’ vulnerability, they are brought to a night-time

ceremony of fire where they are screamed at and intimidated

for hours. By morning, the half-crazed elephants have yielded;

their wills have been broken.

 

Pachyderms are remarkably social animals and they react to

loneliness in the same way humans do – they grieve, fret and

long for their peers.

 

We humans also have a great need for love and acceptance,

especially during our adolescent years. And like elephants

during the night of fire, teenagers are often subjected by

their culture to a period of intense isolation and loneliness

which often leaves them feeling rejected, ridiculed and

ignored. Some quickly begin to lose their sense of independence

and become slaves to conformity and peer pressure.

 

Therefore, we must teach our children at a young age that they

need not follow the whims of adolescent society. They can either

lead or follow. Of course, it’s better to lead.

The Tumultuous Teen Years

From FOCUS ON THE FAMILY, Today, 30-Apr-2008 edition

 

The Tumultuous Teen Years

By Dr James Dobson

 

The most helpful advice for parents of teenagers may be

remarkably simple to implement. To parents whose sons

and daughters are going through the period of rebellion

and experimentation, the most constructive recommendation

is: Just get them through it. This advice may not be profound,

but there’s good common sense behind it.

 

During those days of adolescent turmoil along the river of life,

parents often fear that the canoe in which their son or daughter

is riding will capsize. Indeed, if the rapids don’t get them, they’ll

surely drown when they plunge over the falls downstream.

 

Fortunately, however, the river doesn’t usually descend into the falls.

In time, it typically becomes smooth again, as the teen years give way

to the early twenties. There are exceptions, of course, but for most

adolescents, the anger that seemed to consume them often goes away

and a blessed normality takes its place.

 

Indeed, millions of parents who couldn’t stand their teenagers

later bust their buttons with pride at their accomplishments

and good judgment.

 

So, rather than trying to fix everything that seems out of whack

during adolescence, it might be a better strategy to just get them

through it and wait for the river to smooth out once more.

Words of Kindness

From FOCUS ON THE FAMILY, Today, 29-Apr-2008 edition

 

WORDS OF KINDNESS

By Dr James Dobson

 

I remember sitting in my car at a fastfood restaurant eating

a hamburger and french fries. When I looked in the rearview mirror,

I saw the most pitiful, scrawny little kitten on a ledge behind my car.

I was so touched by how hungry it looked that I got out, tore off

a piece of my hamburger and tossed it to him.

 

But before the kitten could reach it, a huge tomcat sprang out

of the bushes, grabbed the morsel and gobbled it down.

I felt even more sorry for the kitten who turned back

and ran into the shadows, still hungry and frightened.

 

I was immediately reminded of my years as a secondary school

teacher. I saw teenagers every day who were just as needy,

deprived and lost as that little kitten. It wasn’t food that they

required, it was love, attention and respect – and they were

desperate for it. And just when they opened up and revealed

the pain inside, one of the more popular kids would abuse

and ridicule them, and send them scurrying back into the

shadows, frightened and alone.

 

As adults, we must never forget the pain of trying to grow up,

and of the competitive world in which many adolescents live

today. To take a moment to listen to, to care for, and to direct

such a youngster may be the best investment of a lifetime.

Forgiveness

From FOCUS ON THE FAMILY, Today, 28-Apr-2008 edition

 

Forgiveness

By Dr James Dobson

 

Forgive and forget — it’s a lot easier to say than to do. When our

spouses do something to wound us deeply, can we ever truly

forgive them? And if we do forgive them, can we ever forget

the pain they’ve caused us?

 

I read an almost unbelievable newspaper article the other day

about a married couple both in their late 70s. The wife, who was

wheelchair-bound, was charged for badly beating her husband

in the head with her bedpan.

 

And the reason she gave? She said she had committed adultery

in the 1940’s in the earliest years of their marriage.

 

She testified that her husband had constantly taunted her

about her indiscretion until some 50 years later, she could

take it no longer.

 

Maybe her husband had told her at one time that he forgave her

and that he didn’t want to leave her, but though he said the words,

it’s obvious that there was no real forgiveness.

 

Dr Archibald Hart once said: “Forgiveness is giving up my right

to hurt you for hurting me. I think that’s one of the most profound

definitions of forgiveness I’ve ever heard. It’s only when we’ve

truly given up the right to retaliate, that we’ve truly forgiven.