A chance not to be squandered

By Dr James Dobson

One of the most poignant songs ever written is Cat's in the Cradle by the late Harry Chapin. The lyrics of that sad song tell the story of a father who has good intentions toward his young son, but is too busy with work. There are always planes to catch and bills to pay.

And the father finds himself making excuses. "When are you coming home, Dad?" "I don't know when, but we'll get together then, son. You know we'll have a good time then." Despite the disappointments, the boy loves and admires his father. He repeatedly says: "I'm gonna be like you, Dad. You know I'm gonna be like you." Time passes, and the boy becomes a young man.

The father's priorities have changed now. He'd like to visit his grown-up son, but now it's the son's turn to make excuses. "You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu. But it's been nice talking to you, Dad. It's been nice talking to you."

As the father hangs up the phone, the tragedy hits him. "He'd grown up just like me. My boy was just like me." I sincerely hope that all fathers who hear this wonderful song take its message to heart.

The years with our growing children are all too precious to squander. Use them wisely, so that when the time comes to look back on our lives, we can do it with gladness instead of regret.

From TODAY, Voices – Thursday, 30-April-2009

Let children express anger

By Dr James Dobson

The chances are, at least once or twice during your role as a parent, you are going to do or say something that will make your child angry with you. Should he or she be allowed to express that emotion?

If a child grows up unable to verbally express his negative emotions toward his or her parent, often he or she will show it in other ways through what psychologists call “passive aggression”. Maybe your child will pout, get bad grades, or even eat too much. Usually children are not aware that these choices are being fuelled by anger. They are simply unconscious ways of expressing accumulated hostility toward parents. So it is important to allow children to ventilate the irritations they have stored inside.

On the other hand, I firmly believe that children should be taught to be respectful to their parents. I think it is wise to tell our children that they can say anything to us, including negative things, as long as it is said in a respectful manner. For example, “You embarrassed me in front of my friends.” By following this general guideline, we are teaching children how to deal with anger, which might come in handy with a future spouse.

From TODAY, Voices – Wednesday, 29-April-2009

Flattery versus Praise

By Dr James Dobson

It’s a good thing to praise children for the praiseworthy things they do. But is there a limit to the compliments we offer them?

Praise is essential to a child’s self-esteem and children who grow up without it typically wither like un-watered plants. But too many good words for the wrong reasons can be inflationary in nature.

This is called flattery, and the essence of it is that it is unearned. It is what grandma says when she comes for a visit — “Oh, look at my beautiful little girl! You’re getting prettier every day!” Or, “My, what a smart boy you are!” Flattery happens when you heap compliments on a child for something he does not achieve.

Praise, however, is a genuine response to good things your child has done. It should be highly specific. “You’ve been a good boy” is too general. Much better is, “I like the way you cleaned your room today!” Or, “I’m proud of the way you studied for that math assignment!”

Praise reinforces the child’s constructive behaviour. It tells him he’s done something positive and valuable, and it makes him want to repeat it. Parents should avoid sliding into empty flattery. But they should always be ready to offer genuine praise to those who deserve their commendation, and that includes every child if we’re alert to the opportunities around us.

From TODAY, Voices – Tuesday, 28-April-2009

Defiant or just irresponsible?

By Dr James Dobson

I want to talk to parents today about the very important distinction between childish irresponsibility and wilful defiance. Let me explain.

Suppose little Chris is acting silly in the living room and falls onto a table, breaking some expensive china cups. Or maybe he loses his books on the way home from school or leaves his bike out in the rain. Now, these are acts of childish irresponsibility, which are inevitable during the early years.

Forgetting things, losing things and spilling things do not represent direct challenges to authority, and they should be handled very gently. But when a child stamps her foot and tells her mom or dad to “shut up”, something very different is going on. She’s moved into the realm of willful defiance.

It occurs when the child knows what the parent wants, but she clenches her little fists, digs in her heels and prepares for a battle. It is a refusal to accept parental leadership. When this kind of nose-to-nose confrontation occurs, a firm response is in order. Why? Because the question being asked is: “Who’s in charge here?”

If a parent equivocates at that moment, a strong-willed child will precipitate other battles designed to ask that same question, again and again. So it is the ultimate paradox of childhood that a youngster wants to be led, but demands that the parent demonstrate the courage to lead.

From TODAY, Voices – Monday, 27-April-2009