Mi Choza De Nipa: 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Going the Distance

By Dr James Dobson

When I was in university, I ran a long distance race I will never forget. I did not win it, but I did learn a valuable lesson about myself, and about marriage.

Although I had not trained properly, I bounded onto the track full of energy and optimism.

At the sound of the starting gun, I tore off as fast as I could and left the pack far behind.

By the second lap, however, my side was splitting and the pack was closing in on me. Somewhere near the halfway mark, I was sucking air frantically and my chest was heaving like a great grey whale.

I soon collapsed on the infield grass in a sweating heap of failure, losing the race and my pride in one great disaster.

Marathons are very different from sprints, and you have to learn to pace yourself if you're going to endure to the finish line.

And isn't that true of married life, too? You have to set a pace that you can maintain through all the ups and downs of everyday living, and make up your mind to let nothing knock you off the track.

It's called lifelong marriage, and it sure beats an early collapse on the infield grass.

From TODAY, Voices – Tuesday, 10-Nov-2009

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Children Don’t Fit on To-Do Lists

Image by Grufnik via Flickr

By Dr James Dobson

Have you noticed that routine panic is becoming a way of life for today's families?

But guess who's the inevitable loser from this breathless lifestyle? It's the little guy who's leaning against the wall with his hands in the pockets of his blue jeans.

He misses his father during the long day but Dad's all tired out. Besides he has a briefcase full of work to be done. Mum had promised to take him to the park this afternoon but then she had to attend a school meeting at the last minute.

Children just don't fit into a to-do list very well. It takes time to introduce them to good books. It takes time to listen once more to the bruised knee episode from the playground and talk about the bird with the broken wing.

These are the building blocks of esteem held together with the mortar of love. But they seldom materialise amidst busy schedules.

Instead, crowded lives produce fatigue, fatigue produces irritability, and irritability produces indifference. There simply has to be a better way.

From TODAY, Voices – Friday, 16-Oct-2009

Recognising Mental Illness

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By Dr James Dobson

Every parent of a teenager may wonder at some point if their son or daughter has gone crazy.

How can you tell the difference between normal behaviour and the beginnings of mental illness?

Dr Paul Meier explains that all teenagers exhibit some symptoms of what appears to be mental illness. It's just part of growing up.

But there are some serious warning signs parents should watch for. Beware if your teenager begins to lose touch with reality; if he develops illusions or actually hears voices; if he accuses you, with all seriousness, of poisoning his food; or he's convinced that people are trying to read his mind. Such behavior requires immediate attention.

Symptoms that remain untreated for six months or longer may become permanently ingrained in the chemical pathways of the brain.

While a parent of a teen must accept some distressing behaviour as normal, prompt response to the early signs of mental illness will offer the greatest hope in controlling the disorder.

From TODAY, Voices – Thursday, 15-Oct-2009

Firm Objectives in Parenting

Image by cfarivar via Flickr

By Dr James Dobson

Parents should have some firm objectives in mind to help guide their child-rearing efforts. Often, when I'm flying into Los Angeles International Airport at night, I look ahead to see the green runway lights that tell the captain where to land the plane. If he brings his craft down between those borders all should be well.

Similarly, parents need some runway lights — some guiding principles that will help them raise their children.

Without a beacon or two to direct their flight, they could be blindly approaching a very complex and important task.

In my opinion, there are two objectives that can serve as runway lights to guide the parent-child relationship. The first is to convey an awareness of love to our children. Without it, they wither like a plant without water.

The second is equally important, but less commonly recognised. It's the need to teach our kids to respect our leadership as parents. The child's relationship with the loving authority of his parents sets the stage for his attitude for every other form of authority he will confront in life.

With these two beacons firmly in place, your child has a good chance of making a successful flight and a safe landing beyond adolescence.

From TODAY, Voices – Wednesday, 14-Oct-2009

Parent-Child Separation – Part 2

Image by The Library of Congress via Flickr

By Dr James Dobson

We talked last time about the life-long consequences of divorce on children, but what about parent-child separation that occurs for reasons other than divorce?

Recent research confirms that the consequences of any parent-child separation are severe.

In one study of fathers whose jobs required them to be away from their families for long periods of time, the children tended to experience numerous specific reactions, including anger, rejection, depression, low self-esteem, and inevitably a decline in school performance.

I think I understand at least in small measure, the pain of that separation. In fact I experienced it for a short time when I was six years old.

My mother and father left me with my aunt for six months while they traveled. Even today I can remember vividly the evening they left.

I sat on my mother's lap while she told me how much she loved me and how she and my father would come back for me as soon as they could. They drove away as the sun was going down, and an overwhelming sense of sorrow and loneliness settled over me.

That feeling was so intense that its pain can be recalled instantly today, forty-nine years later.

In short, even when parent-child separation occurs for valid reasons in a loving home, the boy or girl frequently interprets parental departure as evidence of rejection, and rejection is dangerous any way it goes down.

From TODAY, Voices – Tuesday, 13-Oct-2009

The Effects of Divorce on Children – Part 1

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By Dr James Dobson

Divorce carries lifelong negative implications for children. Anything that interferes with the vital relationship with either parent can have lasting consequences for the child.

For example, one landmark study revealed that 90 per cent of children from divorced homes suffered from an acute sense of shock when the separation occurred, including profound grieving and irrational fears.

Some 50 per cent reported feeling rejected and abandoned, and half of the fathers never came to see their children three years after the divorce.

One-third feared abandonment by the remaining parent, and 66 per cent experienced yearning for the absent parent, with an intensity that researchers described as overwhelming.

Most significantly, 37 per cent of the children were even more unhappy and dissatisfied five years after the divorce than they had been after 18 months.

It is certainly what I think about with righteous indignation when I see infidelity and marital deceit portrayed on television as a kind of exciting game for two.

From TODAY, Voices – Monday, 12-Oct-2009

Intimacy through Recreation

Image by richardmasoner via Flickr

By Dr Bill Maier

Are you looking for a good way to strengthen your marriage? Try playing tennis with your spouse, or going on a bike ride.

It's a fact that couples who play together tend to stay together. Men place a great deal of importance on shared activities with their spouse, while women tend to thrive on emotional intimacy, which usually comes through just being together.

My wife and I are into hiking and mountain biking, and we've used those activities to bond, as well as to build a lot of great memories. Some of our best conversations have taken place on the hiking trail or the bike path.

The quickest way to let passion plummet in a relationship is to disconnect.

If he's always off playing golf with his buddies, and she's meeting with her hobby club, emotional intimacy can fall by the wayside.

The strongest couples learn to develop shared interests, and then work them into their weekly schedules.

From TODAY, Voices – Friday, 09-Oct-2009

Natural Potty Training

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By Dr Bill Maier

Don't you love people who brag about how their little one was potty trained at 10 months, while your two-year-old is still in diapers? I've never understood why there's so much competition among parents to rush their toddlers along when it comes to potty training.

But the pressure is very real, and almost all mothers feel it, even though it has nothing to do with intelligence or ability. Kids are just ready to do different things at different times.

The best approach to toilet training is to relax and let it happen naturally.

Dr Kevin Lehman suggests buying a little potty chair and putting it in the bathroom without saying a word to your toddler. Let them discover it on their own. Then let them decide when they want to use it.

Curiosity is bound to get the best of them, and when they do begin to learn, really praise them and tell them how big they are getting. Before long they'll be out of diapers — and it will happen on their schedule, not ours.

From TODAY, Voices – Thursday, 08-Oct-2009

Let’s Bring Up Discerning Kids

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By Dr Bill Maier

Have you noticed how most television commercials look more like music videos than product ads? There is a reason for that.

When it comes to spending huge advertising budgets, do not think that companies are not aware of what they are doing. Media groups have done their homework. They know who's buying their products, and what works to get their attention. It is our kids that they are targeting, and commercials reflect that fact.

One recent media study showed that more children than ever have televisions in their rooms and Internet access at home. Over 40 per cent had visited a website because they saw an ad on TV, and many have money to spend once they get there.

This may be good news for advertisers, but it should give parents a little cause for pause. How well have we taught our kids to be discerning, and to keep from being manipulated by the media?

Let's make sure our kids are as savvy as the advertisers who target them.

From TODAY, Voices – Wednesday, 07-Oct-2009

Preventing Teen Burnout

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By Dr Bill Maier

Just looking at a secondary school student's schedule book makes me tired. Secondary school students today are busier than ever. Not only does school start early, but after school there's soccer, tuition, piano lessons, gymnastics, events and homework that never seems to end. I don't know how some of them do it.

It's good for teens to stay busy and productive. Not only are they less likely to get into trouble, they're learning valuable work habits for their future careers. But there are dangers we need to watch out for. Teens who try to do too much face the risk of burnout and exhaustion. They can get so busy that nothing gets done very well. Their grades may suffer, leading to worry and depression, even physical or emotional sickness.

If your teen is too busy, it may be time to put the brakes on certain activities. Teach them to say no and to pace themselves. It's better for them to do a few things well than to exhaust themselves trying to do everything.

From TODAY, Voices – Tuesday, 06-Oct-2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Young Couch Potatoes

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By Dr Bill Maier

Is your child spending too much time in front of the television? Here are a few good ways to "uproot" your little couch potato!

Young kids often watch television simply because they're bored and can't think of anything else to do.

Why not have them list all the things they enjoy doing, like playing board games, kicking around a soccer ball, riding bikes, or drawing pictures. Then post that sheet on the fridge and give them a reward whenever they do something on their list other than watching TV. It could be as simple as a gold sticker or an after-dinner snack.

You might also promise a special celebration for kids who choose to go a whole week without TV. Throw a party to affirm them for spending their time in more productive ways.

Watching television can easily become a negative habit, and the best way to break it is through encouragement and rewards. And kids who learn to tune out at a young age are much less likely to grow into adult couch potatoes.

From TODAY, Voices – Monday, 05-Oct-2009

Security in Defined Limits

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By Dr James Dobson

Children feel more secure and therefore tend to flourish when they know where the boundaries are.

Imagine you're driving a car over Royal Gorge bridge in Colorado. And as a first-time traveller, you're pretty tense as you drive across.

Now suppose there were no guard rails on the side of the bridge. Where would you steer the car? Right down the middle of the road. Even though you don't plan to hit those protective railings along the side, you just feel more secure knowing that they're there. It's the same way with children.

There is security in defined limits. They need to know precisely what the rules are and who's available to enforce them. When these clear boundaries exist at home, the child lives in utter safety. He never gets in trouble unless he deliberately asks for it.

And as long as he stays in those reasonable, well-marked guard rails, there's mirth and freedom and acceptance.

This is the ingredient for raising healthy children and it's been applied by wise parents for thousands of years.

From TODAY, Voices – Friday, 02-Oct-2009

Your Family as a Hot-Air Balloon

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By Dr James Dobson

Is your family soaring above the clouds right now, or are you weighed down by activities, appointments, and acquisitions?

My friend tells the story of the first hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. When the men piloting the magnificent balloon were just off the coast of Ireland, they became caught in a heavy cloud cover and ice began to form on the balloon's outer shell.

They lost altitude, dropping quickly. The crew did everything they could to save the balloon. Finally, at nine-hundred metres, they broke through into sunlight.

Something like this scenario is repeated in far too many homes today. Our altimeter says we're sinking because we continue to add activities and stretch ourselves to the limit. Instead of adding, there's a time to cut back, to spend more time at home.

Then we can soar above the clouds, unencumbered by the things that weigh us down.

From TODAY, Voices – Thursday, 01-Oct-2009

Communicating with Word Pictures

Image by billnwmsu via Flickr

By Dr James Dobson

You talk and talk, but your husband just doesn't seem to get the point. Have you ever felt that happening?

Maybe it's time to try a new way of explaining how you feel. One very effective way to communicate your feelings is to paint a word picture.

A good friend once told me how one such word picture actually changed the lives of a married couple he knows. The wife was feeling distressed because her husband would come home from work and clam up. She told her husband a story about a man who goes out to breakfast with some good friends. He eats a big breakfast and then gathers some of the crumbs and throws them into a bag. Then he goes to lunch with some other friends, eats a big steak, and again throws a couple of crumbs into a bag. Then when he comes home at night, he hands his wife the bag. His wife told him, "That's what it feels like you are doing. All day long the children and I wait to talk with you, but do you know what happens? You don't share yourself with us. You come home from being out all day, and you hand us a doggie bag of leftovers."

The husband said hearing it described this way was like being hit by a truck. He apologized and began to work on opening himself to his wife and family. Word pictures are far more effective than a tornado of hostile comments.

From TODAY, Voices – Wednesday, 30-Sep-2009

The Pain of Release

Image by Whiskeygonebad via Flickr

By Dr James Dobson

The average teenager chomps at the bit to get out from under parental rule and during those tumultuous teenage years, many parents are only too eager to show their child the door. But when the time comes, releasing a child is often painful, if not impossible for many parents.

Some parents want to hold on to their youngsters long after their duties as parents are over. The same commitment that leads parents to do well when the children are small may also cause them to hold on too tightly when they're all grown up. However, it's the responsibility of the parents to release their grip and set the fledgling adult free to make it on his own. And parents who refuse to let go often force their child to choose between two poor alternatives.

The first is to yield to parental domination which makes them dependent puppets. The second is to respond like a mountainous volcano that blows its top, pouring lava on everything in its path. To ease your child out of the house and into the world, first look at your own hands. If you are holding on too tightly, this might be the very best moment to release the grip.

From TODAY, Voices – Tuesday, 29-Sep-2009

Who’s At Fault for Bad Kids?

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By Dr James Dobson

Whose fault is it when a child goes bad? Who gets the blame when adolescents skip school, or spray graffiti on a bridge, or begin to experiment with drugs?

In the opinion of some people, parents are inevitably responsible for the misbehaviour of their teenagers, and certainly, many deserve that criticism. Some of them are alcoholics, child abusers, or they otherwise damage their kids in some way. But I think it's time we admitted that the sons and daughters of some very loving, caring parents can go astray too. A hundred years ago, if a kid went bad, he was a bad kid. Now it's the fault of his dear old mum and dad who "mishandled his childhood". Well, maybe; and maybe not.

Teenagers are old enough to make some irresponsible choices of their own, and they must share the consequences of their mistakes and failures.

Am I trying to take bad parents off the hook and make them feel better for their shortcomings? No. But I do want to speak on behalf of those good-as-gold mums and dads who did the best they could. They deserve a pat on the back, not a slap in the face.

From TODAY, Voices – Monday, 28-Sep-2009

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Identifying, Treating Dyslexia

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By Dr Bill Maier

More than one in five kids today are affected by dyslexia. The good news is, it can be treated once it’s identified.

Recent research shows that dyslexic kids can almost always overcome it by using a phonics based reading programme.

Many schools today use a reading curriculum called “whole language”, which basically depends on the child’s ability to memorise thousands of words and their sounds individually.

The problem is, dyslexic kids don’t respond to this type of learning. They need a programme that teaches them to decode each word one syllable at a time. Phonics breaks down the English language into 42 basic sounds, which is much more manageable.

There are a lot of good phonics programmes on the market. You can look on the Internet, and talk to your child’s teacher to see what you can do at home to help them through this problem.

From TODAY, Voices – Friday, 25-Sep-2009