Love me, love my son

From TODAY, Voices, I Say
Wednesday July 30, 2008

Single mum says it’s tough looking for love with a child and ‘history’ in tow

Nat Sim*

I REFER to “Helping singles meet singles” (July 25) and “Who will grow old with you?” (July 28).

If Ansley Ng thinks he is in a tough position in looking for the right partner, I would ask him to consider my position, a divorced mum with a 6-year-old son.

At least Mr Ng has the freedom to go out on a Saturday night to rent videos. At least he has the freedom to make choices and mistakes more easily than I do. (My potential partner has to love both me and my son).

In the midst of all the talk about making babies and getting Singaporeans to marry, I believe I echo a neglected group when I say that we have it the toughest.

Lest I am misunderstood, I will firstly say that I love my son with all my heart, and I have no regrets having him. But as a single parent, I do not have a partner to help me. There is just me who cleans the house and cooks; who feeds, plays and helps my son to do his homework; who has no choice but to work long hours to pay the bills, even though I wish I could stay at home to spend more time with my son.

Married couples have each other to rely on. Singles usually only have themselves to worry about. Single parents, unfortunately, have the short end of the stick.

As a victim of domestic violence, my best option was a divorce. I will say I have been much happier since, although it soon became clear that I was on my own. I have wonderful parents who have been helping me, but they are getting old and I cannot rely on them forever.

Have more babies? Sure, but only if I have the right guy. Going out on dates? Only when I can find a babysitter in advance. Looking for love? It is tough with a child and “history” in tow.

I once met a guy who asked me for my number, only to disappear when he saw a photo of my son on my handphone.

Ultimately, we need more targeted help in getting singles together. If we are to increase the number of marriages and babies, all groups — singles, single parents (both young and old) — must be considered.

Anyone up for a single-parent, social-networking’ session? But we will probably have to change mindsets first, before embarking on more radical measures.

In the meantime, I will be at home on Saturday night too, watching my rented videos. Perhaps Mr Ng would like to join me?

* Not the writer’s real name