Thursday, July 19, 2007

Do You Know Me?

(pardon the inappropriate language…)


Lawyers always rehearse trials and specifically, cross-examining witnesses because it is important to always be prepared for the witness' answer so that you can lead them in a direction that supports your case.


In a small trial where everybody knows everybody, a trial just started.  The prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.  She was a grandmotherly, elderly woman - neatly dressed in her best Sunday clothes, lace gloves and a pretty bonnet.


He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"


She nodded, thought for a little while and responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams."


Thinking a bit longer, she continued: “I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs."


With a frown, she went on: "You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. So, yes, I know you."


The lawyer was stunned.


It was not the answer he was expecting.  His mind racing to recover from this disaster, he landed on his feet:  he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"


She again replied, "Why, yes, I do."


The old lady cocked her head to one side and continued: "I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state…"


She shifted in her seat, grabbed her handbag tighter and went on: "…not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, and one of them was your wife."


She concluded, "So, yes, I do know him."


The defense attorney looked as if he was having a heart attack.


Just then the judge (who was obviously also a lawyer) hit his gavel and asked both counselors to approach the bench.


In a very quiet voice he said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."


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