Thursday, November 13, 2014

Parent-Child Journeys Present a Few Pitfalls

"Under the horse chestnut tree", 1 p...
"Under the horse chestnut tree", 1 print : drypoint and aquatint, color ; (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There's a time to teach, to show, to model... and then a time to let go...
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TOM BRADY


The parent-child bond is fraught with emotional and physical trials every step of the way. But what happens to the parent nearing those final days of nurturing?

Madeline Levine spent her career as a psychologist and a writer – and mother – with the belief that her job was to prepare her three sons to live independently and enthusiastically move into adulthood.

But now that the youngest of her three sons is out of college, and the older two are doing just what she wanted for them all along, her reaction surprised her.

“How odd that I should be blindsided by a sense of loss as my sons move fully into lives of their own,” she wrote in The Times.

“Some part of me must have known that each move toward independence – from zipping a jacket to hanging out at the mall to driving a car – meant not only that my sons were more capable, but also that I was less necessary,” Ms. Levine wrote. “And I meet this reality with far more ambivalence than I had anticipated.”

For those in the process of coaching their children on the path toward a meaningful life, the best advice may be that less is more. That’s the evidence from several recent studies that indicate the more parents are involved in their children’s lives – the more helicopter parenting they do – the less responsible children are likely to be, The Times reported.

A paper published in February in the American Sociological Review found that the more money parents spend on their child’s college education, the worse grades the child earns.

A separate study published the same month in the Journal of Child and Family Studies reported that the more parents are involved in schoolwork and selection of coursework, the less satisfied college student feel.

“It seems that certain forms of help can dilute recipients’ sense of accountability for their own success,” Eli J. Finkel and Grainne M. Fitzsimmons wrote. “The college student might think: If Mom and Dad are always around to solve my problems, why spend three straight nights in the library during finals rather than hanging out with my friends?”

Sometimes it’s the children’s actions that can do harm, especially when toddlers are acting out.

Parents routinely suffer concussions, chipped teeth, corneal abrasions, nasal fractures, cut lips and other
Injuries from the aggressive actions of their young children, The Times reported. More than one mother has had an earlobe torn when her baby has grabbed and yanked a dangling earring.

When Sarah Rosengarten was whacked across the face with a toy metal car by her 2-year-old son Carter Roberts, she wound up at the emergency room, where doctors diagnosed a hairline fracture of the jaw.

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Can I look as young as my children?
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“Children,” Ms. Rosengarten, 27, told The Times, “can be dangerous.”

The most daring of parents are willing to tread into that most perilous of territories – their children’s dating lives.

Barbara Weisberg, 64, inspired the development of The JMon.com, a Jewish matchmaking site and one of several Web sites that have arisen to cater to parents, because she thought her own children were missing out.

“They maybe were looking superficially for attraction and they were not looking deep enough to see everything that encompasses a person,” Mrs. Weisberg, who has been married for nearly 40 years and lives in Kentucky, told The Times.

One night, her son Brad allowed her to review online matches for him and she made a list of candidates who she felt would promise a love connection.

But Mrs. Weisberg understands there are limits on how far a parent can and should go in trying to identity a mate for their children. She told The Times: “People have to settle down when they’re ready to.”



Taken from TODAY Saturday Edition, July 6, 2013

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Wanting Privacy, Posting Anyway

Facebook logo Español: Logotipo de Facebook Fr...
Facebook logo Español: Logotipo de Facebook Français : Logo de Facebook Tiếng Việt: Logo Facebook (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

BY KATE MURPHY


Imagine a world suddenly devoid of doors. The controlling authorities say if you aren’t doing anything wrong, then you shouldn’t mind. That’s essentially the state of affairs on the Internet. There is no privacy.

Increasingly, people are coming to understand how their online data might be used against them. You might not get a job, a loan or a date because of an indiscreet tweet. But less obvious is the psychic toll.

“With all the focus on the legal aspects of privacy and the impact on global trade there’s been little discussion of why you want privacy and why it’s intrinsically important to you as an individual,” said Adam Joinson of the University of the West of England in Bristol.

Perhaps that’s because there is no agreement over what constitutes private information. It varies among cultures, genders and individuals. Moreover, it’s hard to argue for the value of privacy when people eagerly share so much personal information.

But the history of privacy is one of status. Those who are institutionalized for criminal behavior or ill health, children and the impoverished have less privacy than those who are upstanding, healthy, mature and wealthy.

“The implication is that if you don’t have it, you haven’t earned the right or aren’t capable or trustworthy,” said Christena Nippert-Eng of the Illinois Institute of Technology in Chicago.

So it’s not surprising that privacy research in both online and offline environments has shown that just the perception, let alone the reality, of being watched results in feelings of low self-esteem, depression and anxiety. Whether observed by a supervisor at work or Facebook friends, people are inclined to conform and demonstrate less individuality. Their performance of tasks suffers and they have elevated levels of stress hormones.

A three-year German study ending in 2012 showed that the more people disclosed about themselves on social media, the more privacy they said they desired. The lead author of the study, Sabine Trepte of the University of Hohenheim in Stuttgart, said the paradox indicated participants’ dissatisfaction with what they got in return for giving away so much about themselves.

“It’s a bad deal because what they get is mainly informational support like maybe a tip for a restaurant or link to an article,” she said. “What they don’t get is the kind of emotional and instrumental support that leads to well-being, like a shoulder to cry on or someone who will sit by your bedside at the hospital.”

And yet, she added, they continued to participate because they were afraid of being left out judged by others as unplugged and unengaged losers. So the cycle continued.

“There’s also this idea in our society that if I just embarrass myself enough I can be the next Snooki or Kardashian,” said Anita L. Allen, a professor of law and philosophy at the University of Pennsylvania Law School. “There’s a real financial incentive to not care and give it all up.”

The problem is that if you reveal everything about yourself or it’s discoverable with a Google search, you may be diminished in your capacity for intimacy. This goes back to social penetration theory, one of the most cited and experimentally validated explanations of human connection. Developed by Irwin Altman and Dalmas A. Taylor in the 1970s, the theory holds that relationships develop through gradual and mutual self-disclosure of increasingly private and sensitive personal information.

“Building and maintaining an enduring, intimate relationship is a process of privacy regulation,” said Dr. Altman, now an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Utah. “It’s about opening and closing boundaries to maintain individual identity but also demonstrate unity with another, and if there are violations then the relationship is threatened.”

Thought of another way, information about yourself is like currency. The amount you spend on a person signifies how much you value the relationship. And that person compensates you in kind. That’s why it feels like theft when someone tells your secrets or data miners piece together your personal history –using your browsing habits, online purchases and social networks – and sell it. And it’s also why if you’re profligate with information about yourself, you have precious little to offer someone really special.

“I have to say, too, there’s a certain kind of vanity and self-absorption reflected in giving up everything about one’s self,” Professor Allen said.” To think that somehow everything you do needs to be shared online is conceited and false.”

But privacy researchers said they are starting to see signs of a backlash. People are beginning to exercise a bit more reserve online or are otherwise engaging in subversive tactics to thwart data miners. Such small acts of defiance might include setting up multiple fake identities, using a virtual private network to shield their browsing behavior and not “liking” anything on Facebook or following anyone on Twitter, making their social networks and preferences harder to track.

Professor Nippert-Eng said, “When people want privacy there’s often this idea that, ‘Oh, they are hiding something dirty,’ but they are really just trying to hold onto themselves.”

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Taken from TODAY Saturday Edition, November 1, 2014

How to read a man?

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Was it a wrinkle-free picture you used in your profile?