HR Policy, with immediate effect!

Dress Code

 

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we

see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci HOOCHI bag, we assume you

are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress

poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy

nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just

right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a

raise.

 

Sick Days

 

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you

are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

 

Annual Leave Days

 

Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year. They are called

Saturday and Sunday.

 

Toilet Use

 

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict

three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an

alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will

open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture

will be posted on the company bulletin board under the chronic offenders

category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the

company's mental health policy.

 

Lunch Break

 

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that

they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a

balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes

for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

 

 

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a

positive employment experience.

 

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations,

irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations,

contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

 

The Management

 

"It Can Only Get Better!"